The Invitational Week 199: A Ballooning Problem
Put your own dialogue into a never-before-seen ‘Pearls Before Swine’ comic strip. Plus Ask Backwards winners.
Pat Myers and gene weingarten
9 hours ago




Hello, swine.

Today, Pearls will be cast at you — seven yet-to-be-published “Pearls Before Swine” comic strips by Stephan Pastis. Stephan, a great cartoonist and good friend of The Invitational, has erased the words in the balloons; even we don’t know what they are. Your job is to fill them in.

Why have they not been published yet? Because Stephan is an anal-retentive lunatic! He draws his strips months in advance! These strips are scheduled for publication well into the new year. This leads to an interesting question: What if some of your jokes are funnier than his? Will he scrap his own ideas and use yours? He says that won’t happen. But might it?

Stephan will be in Washington on Wednesday evening, Nov. 18, giving a talk for his 25th-anniversary book, Pearls Jubilee, at Politics & Prose at the Wharf. All the details are here. (As you’ll see, P&P found some dissolute, disheveled local has-been to interview him onstage.)

For Invitational Week 199: Provide text for the word balloons for any (or all) of the future “Pearls Before Swine” cartoons labeled A (at the top of this page) through G. Be sure to read the important!!! instructions at the bottom of this page.

This week’s winner gets an autographed copy of “Pearls Jubilee.”

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

The rest of the Pearls:



















(To enter the “Pearls” contest, see the directions below the Ask Backwards results.)

BTW: To enter, you have to be a paying subscriber to The Gene Pool, at least for one month (which will let you enter several contests). So …

Prank Q for Asking: The ‘Ask Backwards’ questions from Week 197
Once again, in Invitational Week 197 we presented you with a list of “answers” and asked you to give us the questions, “Jeopardy!”-style. Too many people to credit asked if Stephen Miller’s walkup song at the White House softball game was “Springtime for Hitler,” and whether “a case of the zoomies” consisted of four six-packs of zoomies.

Third runner-up:
A. A rabid hyena and Plutarch.
Q. In no particular order, whom does RFK Jr. consider a primary influence of his stoic philosophy, and what did he have for dinner last night?
(Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Second runner-up:
A. Stephen Miller’s walkup song at the White House softball game.
Q. What is “Sycophancy for the Devil”?
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

First runner-up:
A. Backpack the Fat Bear.
Q. What celebrity has made people skeptical of the Salmon Weight Loss Diet? (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

And the winner of the “Certified Pain in the Ass” socks:
A. Two shots of pentobarbital.
Q. What is an anagram of “Absorb that to stop life now”?
(Jesse Frankovich)

’Pardy Poopers: Honorable mentions
LOL Accountants.
Who makes jokes at someone else’s expenses? (Jesse Frankovich)

What website contains lots of dirty jokes about double-entry bookkeeping? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

What it should say atop the Trump Arch.
What is “Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!”? (Kevin Dopart, Houston)

What is “I’m Lovin’ Me”? (Jesse Frankovich)

What is “If you think this is a nice curve, you should see Jon Husted’s ass”? (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

Backpack the Fat Bear.
What feat of strength does Hegseth want added to his warfighter fitness test? (Duncan Stevens)

When it comes to salmon, who has the biggest can of all? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

What is one reason not to wear a salmon costume for Halloween when you’re in Katmai National Park? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

A future corporate mascot animal.
What is the OpenAI Aye-aye? (Barbara Turner)




Courtesy of AI.
Because it makes you look like an idiot.
Why should you not engage in securities fraud, bribery, abuse of public trust, and adultery, then accuse your political opponent of eating tofu? (Jonathan Jensen)

Why should I wear this outfit to the Dostoevsky Costume Ball? (Duncan Stevens)

23/7.
What means more pi for me? (Dave Zarrow, Chicago)

What were the hours ordered by the White House for the Epstein prison observers? (Dan Helming, Conshohocken, Pa.)

What more humane work schedule was recently adopted by Elon Musk’s companies? (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

How long do security systems remain turned on at art museums in France? (Jonathan Jensen)

What is a bad name for a security firm? (Jeff Hazle)

What is a bit more than pi, and a bit less than how often Yo Mama eats pie? (David Peckarsky, Tucson, Ariz.)

What is a handy shortcut whenever you have to enter 3.28̅5̅7̅1̅4̅2̅ ? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Two shots of pentobarbital.
How do you make a Tennessee Zombie? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

A rabid hyena and Plutarch.
What’s a good name for a metal band, and one that’s not so good? (Tom Witte)

The Fibonacci sequel.
What movie is as long as the last two Fibonacci movies combined? (Gary Crockett)

What is “The Godfather Part II, III, V, VIII, XIII, XXI, XXXIV”? (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Only in the New York Times Spelling Bee.
Where does knowing a word like “euonym” actually matter? (Bill Jacobs, Fairfax, Va.)

Where in Gotham was BATMAN rejected? (Jeff Contompasis)

Where are “cock” and “chink” not words? (Tom Witte)

Lions and Tigers and Beers, Oh My.
What often makes Detroit fans want to throw up? (Jesse Frankovich, long-suffering Michigander)

What’s the motto of the Columbia vs. Princeton Drinking Competition? (Duncan Stevens)

How did that Brick Road get so Yellow? (Duncan Stevens)

A case of the zoomies.
What happens when Usain Bolt gets cyclosporiasis? (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

A 21-nun salute.
Instead of ringing the bell, how will Pope Leo mark the end of his cancer treatment? (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

What military honor was given to President Narfield? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

Stephen Miller’s walkup song at the White House softball game.
What is “If I Only Had a Heart”? (Terri Berg Smith)

What song lasts exactly 14.88 seconds? (Duncan Stevens)

The headline “Prank Q for Asking” is by Chris Doyle; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. The Loser Community’s website with all the Invitational stats and stuff is now NRARS.net; the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook is here. Join and they’ll anagram your name; Beverley Sharp’s is BRAVE SHY LEPER.

Still running — deadline Saturday, Oct. 24, at 9 p.m. ET: It’s our contest for snarky answers to questions submitted to the New York Times’s “Social Q’s” advice column. Click on “read full story” below for details.

The Invitational Week 198: We Need Your Advice
The Invitational Week 198: We Need Your Advice
Pat Myers and gene weingarten
·
Oct 15
Read full story
More instructions for Week 199: ‘Pearls Before Swine’ word balloons
First, if you are unaccountably unfamiliar with Pearls Before Swine, here’s a link to it on GoComics.

Formatting your entries: Begin each entry only with the letter on the picture — as in A. [your entry] — and keep each entry to a single line; i.e., don’t press Enter until you’re starting another entry.

Important tips on writing the text:

First of all, you’re just writing text — do not copy it onto the graphic!

You must write text for all word balloons in a strip, unless you’re leaving a balloon blank for effect. (Even then, make that clear to us, e.g., “Third panel remains blank.”)

Remember, all your text for each single strip has to be on the one line (we’ll make the entries more readable when we publish them). So do it like this:

C. Panel 1: Rat: Blahblah. Woman: Zubzubzub. Panel 2: Rat: Blahblah. Woman: Zubzub. Panel 3: Blahblah. Panel 4: Blahblah.
This way, when we sort the entries, all the ones beginning with “A” will be together, all the B’s, etc.

Your replacement texts don’t have to fit Stephan’s particular word-balloon spaces: You could write fifteen words — or just one. To get an idea of what we give ink to in an Invite cartoon-text contest — though they’re not as “talky” as a “Pearls” strip — see the results of Week 181, one of our contests to write captions for Dave Coverly’s “Speed Bump” panels.

Deadline is Saturday, Oct. 31, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Nov. 5. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Judging: ()
Title: (Chris Doyle)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!