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The Invitational Week 197: Ask Backwards
We give answers, you give questions, a la Jeopardy! Plus: Bad first drafts of famous quotes.
Pat Myers and gene weingarten
Oct 08, 2026
Bear 89 backpack wins fat bear week 2026
Meet Backpack. You’ll meet him again in the new contest, below.
Hello. The answer is “Ask Backwards.” The question is “Why?” The answer is “because it’s a contest that always works.” But first, here’s another contest that always works.
Err Quotes: ‘Bad first drafts’ from Week 195
In Invitational Week 195 we asked you for an unfortunate first draft from some well-known line of history or literature. All the frankly-my-dears and the various truths universally acknowledged canceled one another out.
Third runner-up:
“Play us a song, you’re the bagpipe man …”
(Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)
Second runner-up:
“We here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain—that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth. Thank you for your attention to this matter.”
(Chris Doyle, Warminster, Pa.)
First runner-up:
“The square root of 6,561 and six years ago, our fathers brought forth …”
(Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)
And the winner of the Spam lapel pins:
“I have a dream. A recurring dream about capuchin monkeys dressed in schoolgirl uniforms chasing me through a schnitzel factory. But I also have another dream…” (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.)
Sorry Cites: Honorable mentions
“Play it, Sam. Play ‘The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round.’ ” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
“Hallmark: When you care enough to spend $3.95.” (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)
“Big Brother is watching you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness’ sake!” (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)
“Give me liberty, liberty, liiiberty, Liberty, or ...” — Patrick Henry (Mike Ostapiej, Charleston, S.C.)
“I’ll be back in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.” — The Terminator (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)
“Mrs. Robinson, you’re trying to make my peepee grow.” (Lee Graham, Columbia, S.C.)
“An elehts was I ere I saw St. Helena.” (Mike Gips)
“Don’t fire until you see the whites of their pimples.” (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)
“After all, Thursday, September 22, is another day!” (Jesse Rifkin)
“ ‘There must be some kind of way outta here,’ said the Joker to Batman.” (Mike Gips)
“A lacy, frilly, white curtain has descended across the Continent.” — Winston Churchill (Duncan Stevens)
“Act as if what you do makes a difference, if it makes you feel better about yourself.” (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)
“Are you there, Vishnu? It’s me, Margaret.” (Jesse Rifkin)
“Bond, James Bond, but my mom calls me her little Jimmy-wimmy.” (Patty Hardee, Amissville, Va., whose only other inking Invite entry was in 2009)
“Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night’s Plutonian shore!”
Quoth the Raven: ‘Grunk!’ ” (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.)
“Jenny, don’t change your number: 867-5309, Ext. 412.” — Tommy Tutone (Jesse Rifkin)
“To the German Commander: DEEZ NUTS!” — Brigadier Gen. Anthony McAuliffe (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
“I’ll have what she’s having, as long as it’s gluten-free.” (Bob Forrest, Tempe, Ariz.)
“It’s fun to stay at the… Y! W! C! A!” (Jesse Rifkin)
“Maman died today, maybe yesterday, but no more than that, I mean there’s no stank.” — The Stranger by Albert Camus (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles)
“Nothing is certain except for death, embarrassment, cockroaches, unwanted nose hair, and taxes.” (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)
“Should I just kill myself already?” — Hamlet (Barry Sackin, Murrieta, Calif.)
“Tell ’em to go out there with all they’ve got and cover the point spread for the Gipper.” (Duncan Stevens)
“We’ll always have Paris. Well, actually the Nazis have it at the moment.” (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)
“Call me Herman; I’m the guy actually writing this, but I’m writing it from the perspective of a guy named Ishmael. Got it? Good. Starting now, call me Ishmael.” (Tim Stanonik, Falls Church, Va.)
“I’m gonna float like a butterfly and sting like when your mommy puts antiseptic on a booboo.” (Noah Meyerson, Washington, D.C.)
“I’m the prime minister of the world!” (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
“Ivory Soap: Just 0.56% contaminated.” (Kevin Dopart, Houston)
“Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by Earth’s axial tilt.” (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)
“The unexamined life is not worth a bucket of warm piss.” (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)
“Donald J. Trump is the code.” — IBC International Building Code, 2026 ed. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)
“Live with a seven-second censor delay from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” (Mike Ostapiej)
“Rocka my soul in de ta-tas of Abraham …” (Jeff Contompasis)
“Ask not what your country can do for you, because I’m tired of your always making everything about you.” (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
“How do I love thee? Here are the ten most underrated ways the experts won’t tell thee.” (Jonathan Paul)
“When I wake up, the other side of the bed is cold, because I accidentally slept on a tube of Bengay and it oozed all over the sheets.” — Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)
“Way down upon the Pithlachascotee River…” (Jonathan Jensen)
“Listen, my children, and give applause
For the midnight ride of William Dawes.” (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)
The headline “Err Quotes” is by Kevin Dopart; Kevin also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. The Loser Community’s website with all the Invitational stats and stuff is now NRARS.net; the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook is here. Join and they’ll anagram your name; Michael Stein’s is ALIEN CHEMIST.
New contest for Week 197: Ask Backwards XLVII
Uh-oh, we don’t like the number 47, even as Roman numerals. But obviously, we can’t get enough of this contest, which dates back to The Invitational’s debut year.
For Invitational Week 197: Choose one of the “answers” listed below and follow it with a question it might humorously answer.
LOL Accountants
What it should say atop the Trump Arch
Backpack the Fat Bear
A future corporate mascot animal
Because it makes you look like an idiot
23/7
Two shots of pentobarbital
A rabid hyena and Plutarch
Mata Larry
The Fibonacci sequel
Only in the New York Times Spelling Bee
Lions and Tigers and Beers, Oh My
Natalie Harpo
A 21-nun salute
Stephen Miller’s walkup song at the White House softball game
A case of the zoomies
Important formatting instructions! Write each answer — in full, starting with “A.” for “answer” — followed by your question on the same line; don’t press Enter between the answer and the question. Do it just like these inking entries from the very first Ask Backwards, in 1993. (Bonus important note: “Answer” is a very odd-looking word, if you stare at it.)
A. Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Q. What is the dullest game show on TV? (Chuck Smith)
A. Lorena Bobbitt or Mahatma Gandhi. Q. Who are two people whose spouse had a big red dot somewhere on their body? (Joey Zarrow)
For that ol’ Guidance & Inspiration for you newer AskBackers, here are the results of our previous contest, from six months ago.
Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-197.
The winner gets these high-quality, portable certificates that, even if we have not met that person, we know are well deserved. Donated by Dave Prevar, who does not pain any part of us in the least.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.
Still running — deadline Saturday, Oct. 10, at 9 p.m. ET: It’s our contest to tell us (humorously, duh) something that would be worse than an AI-caused extinction of the human race within ten years. Click on “read full story” below for details.
InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Judging: ()
Title: (Kevin Dopart)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!