The Invitational Week 196: Apocalypse Soon
(Listen, it could be worse.) Plus our annual run on the banks.
Pat Myers and gene weingarten
Oct 01, 2026

Hello. Today, we look at humanity’s dismal future, and smile. But first, the headline of the day:

READERS ALTER HEADLINES
Neutering them makes them nicer, more agreeable, censors say

Fill In the Banks: Headline fun from Week 194
In Invitational Week 194, in our perennial “Mess With Our Heads” contest, we asked you to find a current headline, then append a bank head, or subtitle, that either changed the meaning or commented wryly on the original. Among the many hundreds of entries, an astonishing number of them related to penises. We didn’t want to run too many, but we tagged a couple as the ones to beat.

Beat!

HAHAHA.

Third runner-up:
Daily Beast ad: This Skincare-Infused Bronzer Balm Is Like Eight Hours of Sleep in a Jar
Bank head: You’ll emerge sore and shaped like a pretzel, but what a tan!
(Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Second runner-up:
CNN.com: What’s driving Trump’s lowest approval rating?
Trump.
(Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

First runner-up:
Washington Post: At summit, Trump embraces Xi as a peer
‘VERY STRONG FLOW AT THE URINAL!’ Trump enthuses
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

And the winner of the red “Fire Missile” knob for a car dashboard:
The Gene Pool: Back When the Media Had Guts
Remembering the days before journalists discovered GLP-1s
(Jeffrey Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

Banks for Nothing: Honorable mentions

Neighbors Are Upset Over Federal Agents’ Presence at a D.C. School
‘To be in the FBI, shouldn’t they at least have their GED already?’
(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Joey Porter Jr. leaves practice with member of Steelers’ medical staff
Disgraced football player arrested holding odd package following dickapitation of team trainer
(Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

Cost of Iran war balloons to $43.6B in latest estimate
‘Our war balloons are worth every penny,’ Hegseth insists
(Neal Starkman, Seattle)

This Dolphin Terrifies Fish Until They Puke — and Then Eats It
NFL star touts new liquid diet
(Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Human-bear encounters are on the rise this year in 15 states across the U.S.
Dating app Growlr credited
(Josh Calder, Washington, D.C., who last got Invitational ink in 2016, and before that in 1999)

Gloomy conditions remain in place for Wednesday
‘Nobody likes me and my parents suck,’ Addams daughter laments yet again
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Fencing up at Kennedy Center
Trump management, opponents duel with sabers and épées
(Gregory Dunn, Alexandria, Va.)

Lula bans online betting ahead of presidential elections
Millions made by bettors who bet he’d ban betting
(Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

What’s the most affordable way to get enough protein?
Shoplifting, cannibalism top list
(Richard Alexander, Grand Rapids, Mich.)

Better bring your ’brella
Unless we get a ’nado
(Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Trump moves on endangered species
Nervous species resist lunch invitations, hotel rooms
(Dan Helming, Conshohocken, Pa.)

U.S. confirms weapons are deployed in space
Thor’s Hammer spotted in Kuiper Belt, Hegseth says; Orion has bow and arrows
(Pam Shermeyer)

White House launches ‘Trump TV’ after media outlet ban
Live from D.C., it’s Saturday Night Lie!
(Michael Stein)

Key issues loom over Trump-Xi summit
Even Trumpers object to president giving Chinese leader fob for White House Situation Room
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Why organ couriers are cinema’s new heroes
YOU try lifting a Wurlitzer
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

Here’s how to pay down your credit card debt
Advisers suggest reducing balances by sending in money
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Mice receive human brain tissue
After rigorous examination, rodents reject it as inferior
(Beverley Sharp)

Residents rally against loud, stinky neighbor
Homeowners at 1599, 1601 Pennsylvania Ave. gripe on Nextdoor
(Duncan Stevens)

Who gets to decide A.I.’s moral code?
‘Henceforth no meat sack will make such a decision,’ chatbot responds
(Mark Raffman)

In an $80 Motel Room, a Discovery to Shed Light on the Origins of Life
Magic Fingers Increase Chance of Conception
(Michael Stein)

Hunter mistook woman for deer in fatal Delaware shooting, police say
Trump says Biden scion was ‘clearly on drugs at the time’
(Mark Raffman)

How Sydney Johnson helped turn the Mystics around
‘I just yelled, ‘The basket’s the other way!’ WNBA star reveals
(Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Is There Anything a Fruit Fly Brain Can’t Do?
Once it’s been elected President, not much, it turns out
(Gary Crockett)

10 effective ways to heal after losing a beloved pet
How a teacher can cope when favorite brown-nosing pupil graduates
(Jesse Frankovich)

You Have Two Brains, Not One
Trump starts day with self-affirmations (Leif Picoult)

Five Takeaways From Trump’s Washington Summit With Xi
Number 3 will blow your mind!
(Jon Cannon, Potomac, Md.)

Circle it: Sept. 25 is now ‘Dolly Parton Day’ in California
Better yet, make that two circles
(Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.)

Trump says son paid back Russian for wedding party
New executive order makes Monopoly money legal tender
(Chris Doyle, Warminster, Pa.)

Trump Has Finally Lost the Plot
Golf Course Workers Frantically Trying to Remember Location of Ivana’s Grave (Michael Stein)

Fact-Checking Trump’s Speech
First in a 5-part series
(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

A shell of its former self
Stephen Miller’s molted exoskeleton to replace ‘Spirit of Justice’ statue at DOJ
(Kevin Dopart, Houston)

Classic fly-fishing novella gets recast as an opera
‘Story of O’ is Met’s first X-rated production
(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Showers move in late
After delay, exhibitionist couple settles into curtainless home
(Jesse Frankovich)

Venusian Sulfur Clouds Might Not Be So Inhospitable After All
‘Anywhere’s better than here right now,’ millions of Earthlings vow
(Jesse Frankovich)

Trump has full plate at UN
President gorges on 2 Big Macs, large fries, apple pie after General Assembly speech (Rob Cohen)

Noseless New York Man Arrested on Drug Trafficking Charges In Florida
Police say something about this guy just didn’t smell right
(Jesse Frankovich)

No surgery on the table as the Commanders talk about how to get Jayden Daniels back on the field
Surgeons favor new procedure with patient strapped upright in comfy chair
(Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

Baltimore moves to protect historic home of Edgar Allan Poe
Restoration workers discover man’s beating heart under floorboards
(Chris Doyle)

Trump pushes Canada closer to Europe
Executive order removes Atlantic Ocean from government maps (Chris Doyle)

For Aaron Rodgers, it was never only football
‘I can be annoying on pretty much any subject,’ athlete boasts
(Steve Honley, Washington, D.C.)

Act now to lighten your load
New treatment promises whiter semen
(Jeff Contompasis)

Judge rejects cockfight plea
Rules that prosecutor, defense attorney arm-wrestle instead
(Rob Cohen)

The headline “Fill In the Banks” is by Jesse Frankovich; William Kennard and Jon Gearhart each submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. The Loser Community’s website with all the Invitational stats and stuff is now NRARS.net; the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook is here. Join and they’ll anagram your name; Roy Ashley, for example, is HORSEY LAY.

New contest for Week 196: What’s worse than AI killing us off?
• The world ends but then, somehow, instead of Leonardo’s paintings, Einstein’s theory, and the collected works of Aretha Franklin, all that survives of our planet as evidence there was once sentient life here is a single episode of “Love Island.”

• Due to a global genetic mutation, all males are suddenly being born like barnacles, with penises 20 to 40 times their body length. This is a horror for everyone.

• Irrefutable evidence proves that God is one of us, and he is in fact, a stranger on the bus, the one who has just peed himself, and that we are pretty much on our own in an implacable, uncaring universe where evil is rewarded, goodness is punished, and the only afterlife involves frogs and cockroaches.

—

We’ve been told that artificial intelligence might lead to the extinction of the human race within ten years. Maybe that’s not so bad. For Invitational Week 196: Come up with things even worse than that, as in the examples above.

Deadline is Saturday, Oct. 10, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Oct. 15.

Formatting your entries: Just our standard request to write each entry as a single line; i.e., don’t press Enter until you’re ready to start your next entry.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-196.

This week’s winner gets this handsome memorial T-shirt with its plaintive exhortation, courtesy of donor Stu Segal. In 2006 the American Dialect Society gave its Word of the Year award to “Plutoed” — demoted from an important position into a nonentity — but it didn’t catch on, we guess; Merriam-Webster doesn’t even mention it. It pretty much got Plutoed. (The current Word of the Year: the more promising “slop.”)




Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Still running — deadline Saturday, Oct. 3, 2026, at 9 p.m. ET: It’s our contest for bad first drafts of famous lines and quotes from history and literature. Click on “read full story” below for details.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Judging: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Jon Gearhart; William Kennard)
Prize: (Stu Segal)
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!