The Invitational Week 193: For You Nymrods
Change a word by a homophone in a new neologism contest. Plus creative answers to little kids’ questions.
gene weingarten and Pat Myers
Sep 10, 2026




Change a part of a word to its homophone and define the result. See our new contest below this week’s results.
Hello. Today’s new contest involves words that sound like each other but are spelled differently, such as “raise,” which means to put up, or “raze,” which means to tear down. Or “segue,” which means to move gracefully, or “Segway,” which entails moving gracelessly, like a gooney bird on a roller skate. Yes, homophones can be amusing; we’ll get back to them down below. In the meantime, have you ever asked your mom or dad why funny people would write humor for free? We have an answer: Because they’ve been bamboozled by a couple of old grifters.

Young at Har: Snappy answers to kids’ questions
In Invitational Week 191 we asked you for creative answers to questions that little kids might ask.

Third runner-up:
“Why do we have bellybuttons?”
“When babies are born, they’re flat and rubbery like a balloon with no air. The doctor has to blow them up, and the bellybutton is where they tie the knot.”
(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Second runner-up:
“Where do we go when we die?”
“Remember when Ginger went to live on a farm? Well, right next to that farm is a nice meat-processing factory. When we die, our bodies are sent there and turned into dog food. That’s why Ginger is still so happy.”
(Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C. )

First runner-up:
“Why does Daddy have such a big belly?”
“That’s because he ate your big brother for asking too many questions. You only thought you were the oldest.”
(Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

And the winner of the internal-organs T-shirt:
“I know babies come from storks, but where do baby storks come from?”
“Well, sweetie, when a mommy stork and a daddy stork love each other very much …” (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)


Where Does Garbage Go? Honorable mentions
“Will you see if there’s a monster in my closet?”
“No way! It’s full of spiders!” (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

“Why does Grandpa have all that hair in his nose?”
“When you’re older, you make more boogers and you need that web of hairs to keep them from falling into your food.” (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

“Where do babies come from?”
“Amazon. But they’re not eligible for Prime, so it takes about nine months.” (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

“How do airplanes fly?”
“They don’t — we’ve been stuck at this gate for seven fuckin’ hours! (Matt Lantry, Arlington, Va., a First Offender)

“Why does my little brother cry so much?”
“Because he’s chopping onions. Now shut up and get back to peeling those potatoes.” (Jesse Frankovich)

“Why do trees drop all of their leaves in the fall?”
“Because it’s their mating season, and they need to be naked.” (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

“Mommy, how did I get my name?”
Why do you ask, Oopsie? (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

“Why do we dream?”
“So I can still end up with Karen from algebra class.” (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

“Is Grandma gone forever?”
“With any luck, yes.” (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

“What happens if I die?”
“We’ll just download your backup.” (Jesse Frankovich)

“Who is that little boy in the mirror, Daddy?”
“Son, that’s your assigned counterpart from an alternate parallel dimension. He is legally required to mimic your physical movements to ensure that the space-time continuum doesn’t collapse. Don’t try to high-five him or you’ll trade places instantly and you’ll have to eat his vegetables as well as yours.” (Bob Forrest, Tempe, Ariz.)

“Daddy, why is it when I blow on my cold hands, they get warm, but when I blow on hot soup, it gets cool?”
“Because you practice witchcraft, which you will cease immediately, concubine of Satan!” (Jeff Contompasis)

“Do plants feel pain?”
“All but cannabis.” (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

“Who do you like more, me or my sister?”
“We’re waiting to see who takes better care of us when we’re old.” (Richard Alexander, Grand Rapids, Mich.)”.

“How do airplanes fly?”
“They’re actually plane-shaped balloons.” (Chris Doyle, Warminster, Pa.)

“Where do babies come from?”
In your case, a Motel 6 in Pittsburgh. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

“Where does the sun go at night?”
It’s still there — we’re just seeing its back half, which we call the moon. That’s why, when someone shows his rear end, we call it “mooning.” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

“Why are people put into big, heavy boxes and buried underground when they die?”
“That’s so they can’t get out when they turn into zombies.” (Tom Witte)

“Why do I have to take a bath?”
“Moloch wants all his ritual sacrificial victims to smell nice.” (Duncan Stevens)

“How can Santa Claus bring our presents if we don’t have a chimney?”
“Of course Santa doesn’t really come down anyone’s chimney — that’s impossible. He just has a front-door key to every house in the world.” (Jonathan Jensen)

“Mommy, why do flowers smell nice?”
“President Trump makes the flowers smell nice, dear. They were stinky under Biden. Now go brush your teeth like a good little Leavitt.” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

“Why can’t I have ice cream for breakfast?”
“Because I can’t have ice cream for breakfast.” (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

“Why do I have to eat vegetables?”
“To keep the population down and avert the Great Green Bean Uprising.” (Duncan Stevens)

“Why do my fingers get wrinkly in the bathtub?”
“Oh, that’s the first stage of your flesh dissolving.” (Sam Mertens)

“Does ontogeny recapitulate phylogeny?”
“The superficial resemblance between aspects of early zygotic development and select historical evolutionary phases does not constitute a reiteration. We’ve been over this, Timmy, it’s 3 a.m., go back to bed.” (Duncan Stevens)

The headline “Young at Har” is by Jesse Frankovich; Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. The Loser Community’s website with all the Invitational stats and stuff is now NRARS.net; the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook is here. Join and they’ll anagram your name; Stephen Dudzik, for example, is “PUKE” ZENITH, DDS.

New contest for Week 193: Change a word by a homophone
Here’s a new variation on one of our most renowned genres: changing a word slightly to create a neologism, a brand-new term, complete with a funny definition. This one was suggested by Forever Inviter Stephen Dudzik, who got 14 blots of ink in The Invitational’s first year — and has inked in each of the 33 years since then (except one slip), 692 inks in all.

For Invitational Week 193: Choose any multi-syllable word, name, or other short term, and change part of it to its homophone, a syllable that sounds the same but is spelled differently. Then define or describe the term to reflect the new spelling. And while it’s not an absolute rule, we tend to prefer definitions that also reflect the old spelling, like these:

Ciaohound: The dog you take to the gravel pit. (Stephen Dudzik)

Gesundheight: What one says to Shaq when he sneezes, a sentiment that often disappears, unheard, into the rarefied air above.

Clapbored: Had it up to here house-hunting in all those subdivisions with identical vinyl siding.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-193. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Formatting this week: Begin each entry with your neologism, and then it’s just our regular request to write each entry on a single line; i.e., don’t hit Enter until you' start your next entry.

Deadline is Saturday, Sept. 19, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Sept. 24.

This week’s winner gets to shake ears with Thing 1 and Thing 2. Think how nice they’d look with Mother’s new gown, her gown with the dots that are pink, white and red!




Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Still running — deadline Saturday, Sept. 12, 2026, at 9 p.m. ET: It’s our contest for making rhyming couplets out of lines from Dolly Parton songs. Click on “read full story” below for details.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Stephen Dudzik)
Examples: (Stephen Dudzik)
Judging: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!