The Invitational Week 184: The Verse That Could Happen
Write us a poem from the future. Plus winning bad advice to would-be puppy owners and more.
Pat Myers and gene weingarten
Jul 09, 2026


This is Kim Jong Un and his daughter. Can you think of a bad idea for something a new U.S. envoy should say to them? One of our entrants did!
Hello. We are writing to you from the future to tell you to make your entries to today’s new contest better. We’ll get to that anachronism by and by, but first, an important bit of bad advice: Don’t read the results of the old contest, below, because too much reading is bad for your eyes.

Advice Versa: Bad suggestions from Week 182
In Invitational Week 182, we presented you with eight scenarios and asked you to advise — comically badly — the people involved in them.

Third runner-up:
To someone who is planning a kitchen renovation: Think about resale value and go cottagecore with an old-fashioned wooden icebox rather than a high-tech refrigerator. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

Second runner-up:
To someone who has to give a eulogy for an ex-spouse:
Say, “I’m reasonably certain he’s in a better place now.”
(Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

First runner-up:
To someone who’s thinking of getting a dog:
Have a baby first, to make sure you’re ready to raise a dog.
(Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.; Richard Alexander, Grand Rapids, Mich.)

And the winner of the food display picks that look like giant ants:
To someone who’s thinking of getting a dog:
Don’t give him the rabies vaccine. It will give him autism and he won’t ever speak a single word, will never be able to use the toilet or get a job, and will be living in your home forever.
(Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

Dreckommendations: Honorable mentions
To parents about to start potty-training their first child:
Dropping your own deuce in the potty will really show how it’s done! (Dan Helming, Conshohocken, Pa.)

Paint big eyes on the toilet tank and paint the seat like a giant gaping mouth to make it more friendly. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Accidents are bound to happen. So be proactive and cover all your floors with cat litter. Then just scoop up the mess. (Lee Graham, Columbia, S.C.)

Don’t bother starting now — wait until you have two or three kids and get it all over with at the same time. (Sam Mertens)

Tell the kid that if they soil their underwear that the “Caca Pants Monster” will eat Mommy. The first time it happens, Mom should disappear for two days and the grandparents recriminate the child the whole time. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

This is the time to get payback for what that little brat put you through in childbirth. Sit him on the toilet and yell, “Push! Push! It’s almost out! Push harder!” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

To someone who has just been appointed an envoy to North Korea:
Given the Supreme Leader’s great interest in modern American culture, you could break the ice by saying, “You know, back home we think of Kim as a girl’s name.”
(Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Tell your hosts how much you admire Koreans, especially the makers of your Samsung phone and Hyundai car. (Karen Lambert)

Bibles are rare there, so put a couple in your luggage to give out to people on the street. (Lee Graham)

Mention that you can get complimentary GLPs for the Supreme Leader’s daughter Kim Ju Ae. (Stephen Dudzik)

Can you bring me back a souvenir propaganda poster? I hear they have them all over the place. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.; Sam Mertens)

To someone who has to give a eulogy for an ex-spouse:
Just in case anyone thinks she dumped you, be sure to clear that up. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Acknowledge that nothing’s prepared you for this day, despite all the times you fantasized about it. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Emphasize what a good starter spouse they were. (Sam Mertens)

In closing, look fondly at his new wife and say slyly to her: “I remember so well when Marvin told me, ‘You’ll get this house over my dead body!’ So ta-da! Pony up!” (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

To someone who’s writing their first novel:
If you quit your day job, you’ll be able to concentrate so much more on your writing. (Karen Lambert)

When you submit a manuscript to a publisher, you should print it out on handmade goatskin parchment to show that you are a serious author. (Stephen Dudzik)

Ejurate obscurantistic scrivening. Henceforth acquire an antique thesaurus and utilize it grandiloquently! (Frank Osen)

“You know what Jack Kerouac, Ayn Rand, Jean-Paul Sartre, and Stephen King had in common? These little bad boys right here.” [Shakes baggie of uppers.] (Don Norum, Charlottesville, Va.)

When writing dialogue, don’t use the pedestrian “said.” Display your erudition with sophisticated attributions like like “ ‘I feel like going out,’ she postulated. ‘I don’t think so,’ he ejaculated in response.” (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

A sterile environment stunts creativity, so keep your writing space filled with Rubik’s Cubes, toenail clippers, fidget spinners … (Judy Freed, Philadelphia)

To someone who’s planning a kitchen renovation:
If you want the contractor to make your kitchen a priority, gain their trust by paying the entire amount up front. (Karen Lambert; Stephen Dudzik)

Have you considered some warm, comfy shag carpet? (Sam Mertens)

To enjoy the freshest eggs every morning, install an indoor chicken coop. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Be sure to start the renovations by late October so you’ll be sure it’ll be done by Thanksgiving. (Steve Smith, Beverly, Mass.)

To prevent theft, put a combination lock on every drawer. (Leif Picoult)

To someone who’s thinking of getting a dog:
Here’s the best way to determine if you’re a good match: Get down on the floor so you and the dog can sniff each other’s butt. (Stephen Dudzik; Sam Mertens)

Have one of your kids run through the electric fence with the collar on to make sure it works. (Steve Smith)

To avoid confusion at the dog park, name him something unusual, like Adolf. (Steve Smith)

Dog-proof your home by putting “DO NOT CHEW” stickers on everything. (Jesse Frankovich)

To someone going to New York for the first time:
At Yankee Stadium, fans from Brooklyn will appreciate seeing you wear a baseball cap with a B on it. (Chris Doyle, Warminster, Pa.; Don Norum)

When attending a Broadway musical, the way to demonstrate your love for the show is to sing along. (Karen Lambert; Mark Raffman)

Don’t do anything that might make you look like a rube. For example, be sure to eat pizza with a knife and fork. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore; Chris Doyle)

Empire State Building passersby would be grateful if you tossed some coins down to the sidewalk from the observation deck. A fun surprise! (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

New York does not permit concealed weapons on public transit, so make sure your gun is visible before entering the subway. (Steve Smith)

They like it when you show respect for famous New Yorkers, so wear a Trump T-shirt. (Jonathan Jensen)

You can find a great bargain on a Rolexx. (Art Grinath)

Go to Little Italy and ask for the Olive Garden. (Leif Picoult; Frank Osen)

Hold your hand out and let the rats sniff it before you try to pet them. (Sam Mertens)

To someone who wants to lose 30 pounds in six months but can’t afford GLPs:
Go on a cruise — and hope you catch a norovirus. (Art Grinath)

Obviously, eat less and exercise like I did. Duh! (Mark Raffman)

Try to realize how lucky you are not being able to afford a GLP. I used one and lost so much weight that I had to spend a fortune on new clothes. It almost bankrupted me! (Jon Cannon, Potomac, Md.)

—

Here’s one more joke that came in, submitted by two different entrants, but the judges disagreed about it:
The advice to potty-training parents:
When there’s an accident, rub the child’s nose in it.


The headline “Advice Versa” is by Jesse Frankovich; both Chris Doyle and Tom Witte submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. This week’s contest was based on a suggestion by Dan Helming. The Loser Community’s website with all the stats and stuff is now NRARS.net; the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook is here.

New contest for Week 184: Poems from the future
Well, here’s a new pill to make you a hottie!
Shake off your tyrants, those damned GLPs:
Say goodbye to that scrawny-ass body!
— A 2035 jingle for the miracle drug ProGainz®

For Invitational Week 184: Write a humorous poem from some year in the future on any of the following subjects, as in the example above. Specify the year from which you are writing.

Lyrics to a marital breakup song by Taylor Swift
A poem by AI about the state of AI
A poem on the subject of food
A poem about religion
A poem about health and medicine
A poem about politics or global affairs
Formatting your entries: As usual with our poetry contests, type your poem just as you’d like to see it published; don’t try to put it on a single line as with our usual formatting. But do give the category of your poem, even if it’s abundantly clear.

Deadline is Saturday, July 18, 2026, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, July 23. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-184.

The winner gets an amazing prize. Hey, D.C. area Gene Poolers: Have you canceled your home delivery of The Washington Post? Of course you have! Everyone has. But you miss the free doggy poopy bags, don’t you? Well, Kathleen Sheeran, of Vienna, Va., has been saving hers for the last month, just to donate to The Invitational. Here they are, 29 empty Washington Post plastic bags, delivered inside the 30th.

We had to wait until Toothpaste stopped sniffing it (residual dog pee?) to get a good shot. Plus, our dog dog bit the outside bag a little.


The fluffy star comes with the prize.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Still running — deadline Saturday, July 11, at 9 p.m. ET: It’s our perennial contest to choose any two items on our random list and tell how they’re similar or different. Click on “read full story” below for details.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Daniel Helming)
Examples: ()
Judging: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Chris Doyle; Tom Witte)
Prize: (Kathleen Sheeran)
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!